Class of Nuke 'Em High (Richard W. Haines & Lloyd Kaufman, 1986)

It warms my heart to know that Troma still exists, and the company has distributed some quality indie movies in addition to cranking out their own brand of lovable slop, but only a masochist would make it a point to watch every movie with Troma's logo on it. Often the titles are more inspired than the finished product (Surf Nazis Must Die, A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell), and a little of the Troma-brand shtick goes a long way. Having said all that, I genuinely feel sorry for you if you go through life without watching at least one Troma movie, and my recommendations include The Toxic Avenger, Troma's War, Sgt. Kabukiman N.Y.P.D., Tromeo and Juliet, and the movie we're talking about today, Class of Nuke 'Em High.

Co-directed by screenwriter Richard W. Haines and Troma head Lloyd Kaufman (under the fake name Samuel Weil), Class of Nuke 'Em High combines the post-apocalyptic, post-Mad Max mutant-gang-running-amok movie with the '50s homage anti-nuclear monster movie with the '80s teenage party/high school/sex comedy, with Troma's distinct brand of low-budget sludge, toilet humor, and offend-everyone tastelessness holding it all together.

A couple of elements are pretty unfortunate (one of the mutant gang members sports a punk version of African tribal stereotypes, is in semi-blackface, and carries a bone; another gang member constantly says "faggot"), but Troma is an equal-opportunity offender, spraying bad taste in every direction, and the characters exhibiting these racist and homophobic accoutrements are not meant to be likable. It still sucks, and it's yet another example of straight, white people in the '80s not thinking about this stuff for more than a few seconds before putting it onscreen. Just to both sides this further, I think people are hyper-aware of offending the audience now, which also kinda sucks and leads to a bunch of bad art and entertainment without any edge and too much overt moralizing and lesson-imparting. I think what I'm inarticulately getting at is hoping for a world with free and fucked-up art and entertainment that exists without marginalizing or dehumanizing specific groups of people while also avoiding moral scolding and self-congratulatory back-patting for showing off the progressive bona fides.

I'll get off the soapbox now and head to Tromaville, whose high school is dangerously close to an unsafe nuclear power plant that is leaking green sludge the color of recently expired pea soup. Plant owner Mr. Paley (Troma regular Pat Ryan) is in favor of covering things up, fixing problems quietly, and keeping the plant humming along. This seems to be working for Ryan, though the school's honor society members have abruptly and suddenly turned into a gang of mutant punks called the Cretins.

The rest of the student body primarily consists of party animals, excepting goody-two-shoes couple Chrissy and Warren (Janelle Brady and Gil Brenton) and classic nerd Dewy (Arthur Lorenz). Dewy accidentally chug-a-lugs some toxic waste at the drinking fountain, and, a few hours later in class, he twitches, foams at the mouth, oozes green slime, and chucks himself out the window, whereupon he melts to his skeleton. The death is ruled a suicide, which the other students seem to buy even though he melted after hitting the ground.

The Cretins, besides terrorizing nerds and faculty, also have a lucrative side hustle as the high school's pot dealers, which they score from one of the nuclear plant workers (it grows wild in a highly restricted outdoor section of the plant). One day, the Cretins decide to throw a little toxic waste in with the weed and raise the price of this new atomic high to ten bucks a joint. Meanwhile, a local frat is holding an indoor bikini beach party with live entertainment from the Smithereens performing doo wop songs (you can't make this stuff up), and the high school party animals cajole Chrissy and Warren into joining them at the frat bash.

Chrissy and Warren also take their first toke on a joint at the party. Unfortunately for them, it's radiation-laced Cretin weed. This initially makes them super-horny, and they finally go all the way, much to the delight of their party animal peers. Then, after a period of radiation sickness, Chrissy gives birth to a turd-shaped mutant monster baby in the toilet at school while Warren morphs into an Incredible Hulk-like monster/man hybrid when he gets angry.

Hulk Warren starts kicking some Cretin ass, setting up a nuclear-charged final showdown between the Cretins and the rest of the school involving giant mutated monster babies, map defacing, globe smashing, hallway motorcycle riding, improper giant laser handling, and a new character who just shows up out of nowhere and who is treated by the other characters as having been there the whole time. It's a hoot and a holler.

Class of Nuke 'Em High is stupid in all the right ways (and a few of the wrong ones) and keeps the momentum going and the pace from dragging all the way through, which can be a problem in some of the weaker Troma films. There are so many hilariously goofy reaction shots and ridiculous background performances throughout (the extras are often breakdancing or doing their best '60s dance moves for no apparent reason), and the cheesy effects are pretty good by Troma standards. We even get a classic '80s theme song with delightfully idiotic lyrics ("Nuke 'Em High" by Ethan & The Coup).

This movie and The Toxic Avenger pretty much set the template for the classic Troma house style. Class of Nuke 'Em High is top-notch dumb '80s fun and led to four sequels (Class of Nuke 'Em High 2: Subhumanoid Meltdown, Class of Nuke 'Em High 3: The Good, the Bad and the Subhumanoid, Return to Nuke 'Em High Volume 1, and Return to Return to Nuke 'Em High AKA Volume 2). I haven't seen any of them, but giant mutant squirrels, nuclear sludge-filled tacos, secret love affairs between bloggers, and the Tromaville Institute of Technology (T.I.T.) are all part of the action. Proceed with caution.