Decapitated Zombie Vampire Bloodbath: C.H.U.D. II: Bud the Chud (David Irving, 1989)

First things first, C.H.U.D. II: Bud the Chud has nothing whatsoever to do with the first C.H.U.D. and appears to have been written and directed by people who not only never watched C.H.U.D. but also never even bothered to read a plot synopsis of C.H.U.D. Frankly, this is how almost all sequels should proceed, but I can see how the general audience wanting another heaping helping of humans-turned-cannibal mutants via improperly dumped toxic waste in the sewers of New York City were baffled and confused by a small-town zombie horror-comedy that had nothing to do with toxic NYC sewer mutants, especially since the movie poster and VHS cover featured the chuds from the original C.H.U.D.

C.H.U.D. was a bit of a gone-slumming project by a bunch of New York theater and indie film vets who decided at a party to make a cheap horror movie about environmentalism and homelessness, and then they actually went out and did it. C.H.U.D. II: Bud the Chud was a straight-to-video sequel-in-name-only written by Honey, I Shrunk the Kids screenwriter Ed Naha under the name M. Kane Jeeves and directed by Amy Irving's brother David Irving. Irving had previously directed a dark comedy about a suicidal filmmaker as well as three G-rated live-action fairy tale adaptations. He followed C.H.U.D. II with an erotic thriller starring Kris Kristofferson and a bunch of documentaries about painters. Weird career.

C.H.U.D. II replaces the first film's cast of serious New Yawk thespians with roughly 37 B- and C-list '70s and '80s TV and cult movie stars. I kept expecting Jamie Farr and Alf to show up in this thing. Cameo appearances in C.H.U.D. II include M*A*S*H*'s Larry Linville, Three's Company's Norman Fell, Lost in Space's June Lockhart, comedian and former SNL cast member Rich Hall, Dynasty's Robert Symonds, veteran character actors Frank Birney and Clive Revill, comedian Ritch Shydner, Pee-wee's Big Adventure's Judd Omen, The Running Man's Marvin J. McIntyre, character actor Priscilla Pointer (the director's mother), socialite and ex-wife of Mick, Bianca Jagger, and Mr. Freddy Krueger himself, Robert Englund. And those are just the cameos, though Bianca Jagger gets near-top billing for her ten-second appearance, her final acting role to date.

It's clear the writers and filmmakers never bothered to learn much about C.H.U.D. from the opening scenes of C.H.U.D. II. The chuds in numero uno were mostly homeless people living in the New York underground who had transformed into mutants from exposure to illegally dumped nuclear waste. The second film kicks off with a press conference about a discontinued military chud program that involves a medical serum that can keep soldiers moving and fighting in battle even after death. The fuck? It's a bit like if the zombies in Night of the Living Dead were changed to werewolves in Dawn of the Dead but the characters kept referring to them as zombies. The prototype chud for this new definition of "chud" is Bud the Chud (delightful character actor Gerrit Graham). Chud. It's still fun to say and type.

Ordered to destroy the chud by the government, a doctor played by Revill is overpowered and Bud goes on the rampage. Military colonel Masters (Robert Vaughn), a staunch proponent and administrator of the discontinued chud program, is brought in with his team to freeze the chud and take it to a government disease control center in the generic all-American small town of Winterhaven (mostly filmed in the Los Angeles suburb of San Pedro, birthplace of one of my favorite bands, Minutemen) for further study. (Vaughn is hammy as the dickens in this thing. He pronounces "barbecue" as "barbie (pause) kewwww," for example. This dude knew he was in C.H.U.D. II when he was in C.H.U.D. II, if you know what I mean.) Masters' right-hand man is nerdy government employee Graves (Deadwood's Leon Cedar).

Swift military action may have ended our chud problem, if not for the damn teens. Winterhaven high school students Steve (Brian Robbins, star of Head of the Class, director of Norbit, and current president and CEO of Paramount Pictures and Nickolodeon, fer chrissakes), Kevin (Bill Calvert), and Katie (Tricia Leigh Fisher, daughter of Eddie Fisher and Connie Stevens, sister of Joely Fisher, and half-sister of Carrie Fisher) are goofing around in biology class during frog dissection week when wisecracking cutup Steve sets the damn classroom on fire. The more responsible Kevin puts the fire out, but he and Steve have to take the frogs back to the biology teacher's storage area, which improbably includes a human cadaver. Normal thing for a small-town high school biology teacher to have, right? In a classic Steve move, he bumps into the cadaver, which is on a stretcher, sending it rolling out the open back doors and into traffic.

Kevin and Steve hatch a plan to steal a cadaver from the disease center to replace the one they knocked into traffic since apparently no authorities in the small town will ever attempt to investigate a rolling cadaver during rush hour. They enlist the aid of Katie, successfully snatch the cadaver, and hide it in the bathroom at Steve's house. Yes, that cadaver is Bud the Chud. Yes, they accidentally revive Bud. Yes, Bud goes on a citywide rampage, turning almost every person and animal he encounters into a chud by nibbling on their brains. Apparently, these part two chuds are nibblers. Instead of chomping the whole brain, they just like to sample it like they're at the fancy grocery store nibbling on an imported cheese.

C.H.U.D. II is not particularly thrilling, narratively or visually, with the tone mostly resembling a sitcom or children's movie. The film bizarrely received an R rating despite having no nudity, minimal swearing, and only a little bit of cartoonish violence, and the whole thing seems like it's pitched to the 10-12 age group, with the cameos attempting to drag in some baby boomers. On the positive side, Gerrit Graham is always enjoyable, the swimming pool scene in the finale is surprisingly imaginative and effective (though Tricia Leigh Fisher is forced to wear a truly bizarre bathing suit), and Steve's parents, played by The Bob Newhart Show's Jack Riley and Charles in Charge's Sandra Kerns, are legitimately funny. Their scenes have a natural, improvisational feel missing from the forced humor of the rest of the movie. You also get several Wall of Voodoo songs on the soundtrack, in addition to a classically godawful generic '80s theme song by an obscure artist with lyrics directly referencing what we're seeing onscreen. Gated drums? Check. Soulless guitar shredding? Check. Synths? Check. A Yello-esque "Oh Yeah" voice singing "Bud the chud/Bud the chud"? Oh yeah.