The Brain (Ed Hunt, 1988)

I ended up on YouTube while searching the physical and/or streaming availability of The Brain, where, in addition to the two accounts that uploaded the entire film, there was a short clip. The clip's description used the words "incredibly cheesy" and "deranged." Having now seen The Brain, I don't have a clue which clip was used in the YouTube video, since "incredibly cheesy" and "deranged" apply to roughly 97 percent of the film. Even when the filmmakers run out of ideas in the last thirty minutes and start padding the running time and reusing shots, they create the world's most hilariously boring car chase, involving sensible speeds and two of the least emotive state troopers in cinema history.

The Brain is weird as hell, even when it's trying to be normal. Everything in this movie is nuts, including the placement of newspaper kiosks. None of the characters do anything that makes logical sense, the plot holes are large enough to swallow small countries whole, there seems to be one policeman in the entire city, the monster is of indeterminate and fluctuating size, and the enormous mental health research facility/television studio/psychology practice has only one orderly. I am not the kind of man who sees any of this as a negative. The Brain is an insanely stupid movie, but it's got style, humor, moxie, multiple decapitations, teenage shenanigans, surprisingly decent special effects, Re-Animator's David Gale, a top-notch exasperated hair flip, and the Toronto suburbs standing in for an American small town.

The Brain takes place in a seemingly average '80s town, but this town is also headquarters for a large, sinister compound housing the aforementioned practice, research facility, and TV studio of famous psychologist Dr. Anthony Blakely (Gale), who specializes in troubled teens. Blakely hosts the popular local show Independent Thinking, which is about to go national, writes books, and treats patients, but this is all a front for his real work. The research facility portion of the compound is home to a giant monster brain that plans world domination. Blakely is the monster brain's facilitator and human face. (Or is he human?) His TV show brainwashes the viewer into following the brain's instructions, which can include murder and extreme hallucinations. Wait until this shit goes national, and then global.

For reasons never explained, the brain eventually grows a face with teeth and sometimes eats people. Assisting Blakely's assistance of the brain is evil orderly Verna (George Buza) and research assistant Janet (Cynthia Preston). Janet is there mostly just to take off her top and get munched by the brain.

Things get complicated when teenage bad boy Jim Majelewski (Tom Bresnahan) gets in trouble at his high school for messing up the plumbing with a sodium bomb. The principal, or maybe the counselor, who knows, convinces Jim's parents to send him to Dr. Blakely's practice or the school won't let him graduate. Jim reluctantly agrees but pulls off a classic super glue prank on the way out. You're incorrigible, Majelewski!

Things heat up when Jim and Dr. Blakely cross paths. Will this teenage bad boy turn into the hero we need? Will Jim's girlfriend Vivian go all the way or will she make him wait until they're in college? Will we ever figure out how big the brain actually is? Will we find out how Jim cuts his own handcuffs off later in the film? Will Independent Thinking go nationwide? Will there be more sodium-related incidents? Will the cheerleaders ever get those burgers and fries they ordered? Some of these questions will be answered.

One of the many terrible things about the present is that nobody makes movies like The Brain anymore. Not that there are any other movies like The Brain, but you know what I mean.