Horror and exploitation movies from the non-CGI era reviewed semi-weekly
Thursday, September 15, 2016
#240: Berserker (Jef Richard, 1987)
A mega-low-budget indie filmed in rural Utah, Jef "With One F" Richard's Berserker is a surprisingly enjoyable, well-paced, ragin'-full-on '80s entertainment with a refreshingly unusual spin on the basic slasher film template. Unfortunately, it's only available in hard copy as a massively overpriced used VHS, so YouTube is your best bet if you need a little Berserker in your life.
I don't want to oversell it. Berserker is ridiculously goofy, a few scenes try too hard for pathos and land face-first in sentimental cliche, and the second half is mostly young people wandering in the woods, getting chased by a berserker, but these flaws are also values, "if you know what I mean and I think you do" (Joe Bob Briggs). This movie is a party. A party where you wake up with marker all over your face and vague memories of drunkenly playing a trombone badly in a cornfield after a heated intergender wrestling match with a former high school classmate has been called a draw by the exasperated owner of the house who would really like his trombone back, damn it (maybe this was just me in 1997), but a party nonetheless. I unashamedly love this kind of thing.
Berserker begins with a group of young city folk preparing to go to the country for a week of camping, swimming, pot-smoking, sex-having, boozing, and cabin-snoozing. (It really begins with something much crazier, but I'll save that for anyone who plans to watch it.) For a minute there, I thought I was watching a biopic of my life. The hotheaded, impulsive, asshole-with-a-heart-of-gold ringleader of the group, Josh (which is my first name), cranks up some hard rock on his pickup's stereo and the woman sitting next to him, Kristi (which is my wife's first name, though she spells it with a Y), exasperatedly tells him to turn it down. Hey, man, am I looking in a mirror? Josh and Kristi have a volatile chemistry that was sadly unexplored because a damn berserker showed up, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
Besides hotheaded party animal Josh (Greg Dawson) and the more reasonable Kristi (Shannon Engemann), the gang includes book-loving nerd Larry (Rodney Montague, who went on to become a successful Hollywood special effects artist) (can you believe this nerd loves books?), Larry's girlfriend Kathy (Valerie Sheldon), who the filmmakers forgot to provide with a personality, and pot-smoking, perpetually joking couple Shelly and Mike (Beth Toussaint and Joseph Alan Johnson). Larry keeps everyone waiting while he finds his book about the history of the campsite they're about to visit, but, finally, book in tow, Larry jumps in the pickup, and the gang heads to the country. Josh cranks the party tunes back up and crushes a couple beers, belching and tossing the cans out the window. Classic Josh. Josh's uncool litter move attracts the attention of Officer Hill (b-movie legend John Goff), a kindly yet slightly strange patrolman who gets really intense when he sees Larry's book of local history. He lets the kids off with a warning and a complaint about city folks using the country for their own personal garbage dump and then tells them to watch out for wild animals.
Our young heroes roll into the campsite, owned and operated by Officer Hill's cousin from "the old country," Pappy Nyquist (George "Buck" Flower), who is a little pissed they didn't call ahead for a reservation and is more than a little pissed at Josh's pushy city ways. (The late George "Buck" Flower has one of the most eclectic CVs in the history of film, acting in Hollywood movies, indies, B-movies, softcore porn, network TV, and family movies, and working as a writer, producer, assistant director, production manager, pre-production coordinator, production advisor, cameraman, electrician, set decorator, and soundtrack performer in addition to his acting work.) Larry and Mike step in with politeness and charm, and Pappy rents them a cabin before warning the city folk not to litter and to watch out for wild animals. Classic Pappy.
Campsite acquired, time for a classic '80s musical montage! To the tune of Chuck Francour's lost masterpiece "Cool Dude," we get serious '80s male bonding in the form of shirtless pals in jean shorts opening beers in each other's faces before wrestling each other to the ground, Josh hot-dogging it on a three-wheeler (classic Josh), the whole gang swimming in the creek, Shelly teasing everyone by pretending to take off her top before shaking her head and jumping in the water, and finally, some classic water hijinks in the form of dunking and splashing.
The good times turn bad when a reincarnated Viking shows up and starts kicking some serious ass. And also a bear. Either way, you're gonna get mauled. I'll refrain from spoiling any Viking-related business in case you're going to watch this one, but Larry's book of area lore plays a big part, and so do Pappy and Officer Hill.
This movie is a blast. There are not enough movies about berserkers, in my humble opinion. In conclusion, don't litter, the country is not your damn private garbage dump, you damn city folk, and watch out for wild animals in the woods. Also, have your outdoor sex as close to the cabin or a working vehicle as possible. Oh, and if you're a descendant of Vikings or in the vicinity of a descendant of Vikings, watch your ass.
Dr. Mystery, aka Robot X, aka Raul "Sous Chef" Mendoza, aka Josh Krauter was killed in a brawl in a Pizza Hut parking lot after expressing his disappointment with the "Dippin' Strips" pizza. His skeleton was saved and inserted into an apesuit-wearing robot powered by an electrical current emanating from the still-beating heart of deceased actor Zero Mostel. He is also a limited liability company and writes the weekly advice column, "Pull Your Head Outta Your Ass," for the Vermont Luthiers Annual Newsletter.